We all have a little “Rihanna” in us… The Secular Single Woman

I woke up feeling a little “sexier” than usual and the first person to come to my mind is my single, yet promiscuous friend, Rihanna Fenty. Despite what changes has occurred with her image, her raunchy attitude… she still represents a side of women (and possibly men) people try to conceal. When Rihanna comes on at a party, on your iPod, in the comfort of your room…you cannot say your body or your mind does not take on the personality of the artist. Even if you do decide to say it does not, I am sure a speck of your amygdala introduces the sensation known as Rihanna to your psyche and you have a glimpse of what you like or dislike about her. Whether you like her or not, she is a seductive side of the single woman syndrome we all either aspire to remake or the one we all desire to do without. Rihanna represents what I would call “The Secular Single Woman”.

The Secular Single Woman is a woman that is extremely sexy and doesn’t try to hide her sexuality from others whether publicly or intimately. She has a fiery attitude and could care less what you all think. Her behaviors are questionable yet tolerable. The opinions formed about her have some truth in them but they can be a little misguided. This woman presents herself as an extroverted single woman who desires for love but has no problem searching for it with any and everyone who entices her. The life of the party, the woman who will get you into parties  and then take your dance floor virginity by grinding slowly on you to attract male suitors. This woman is not dangerous, but can potentially steal your man if you are not careful. She is a closeted narcissist…but only in public.

While this is not 100% truth, we all have a piece of that puzzle within our pursuit for relationships. We have all tried what has worked for others and The Secular Single Woman approach is sadly the norm of the millennial generation. If you do not believe me, check your Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook news feed in the evenings.

Luckily I do not find myself extremely sexy, but I do have traits similar to the secular woman in my previous pursuits of finding men. I figured if my friends could successfully find boyfriends and husbands by behaving sexually confident, why can’t I? Well, for one reason I am a plus size woman. That’s my biggest pitfall kdebutart_jacquie-boyd_6937nown to man. While I am extremely intelligent, I cannot for the life of me find a man who is comfortable with my size and yes, I have had to use my secular ways to entrap some during my undergrad years. It worked but it also made me feel really sleazy and sluttacious… I did not like the feeling afterwards and I definitely didn’t feel comfortable during the behaviors. Obviously…this did not work for me????

Me: So, what do you think about that?

You: YIKES, you kind of hit on some parts of myself I have tried to forget about. This is a great way to release those negative beings inside of your thoughts.

Me: Is this story a little too real for you?

You: It is only as real as you allow it to be… are you still “pouring it up..?”

Me: Heavens no, this was something I tried about 3 years ago when I was still an undergraduate student. I felt like the lowest of the low… I would cry every night ashamed of my behavior but I just wanted to feel loved and wanted by someone. Is that wrong?

You: It is wrong if it left you feeling as if you needed to cry it out in order to start the behavior over again. It was a horrible pattern that did not work for you. You needed to stop the crazy act… save it for someone else. That was not the road for you. The secular single woman role is not your future…

Me: What is my future then..?


SWA: Single Woman Anonymous First Meeting

If you are reading this post, you’ve probably been single all of your life (like me), close to being single (meaning you are on the verge of a bad break-up from your significant other), or have a desire to be single (but do not want to live the life of a single person, this world is quite cruel you know)… But I am here to tell you all is not lost. As you may be able to decipher at the moment, I am a 20-something year old single professional/unprofessional woman living in the southern parts of the United States. I guess it would be beneficial to introduce myself to you as I hide in shame…

The Single Woman Introduced

Me: Hello world…

You: Hello Me, what brings you here today?

Me: Well, you see I am a single woman on the verge of a meltdown. I have never been in a relationship before and not sure if I am even ready for one.

You: What do you mean by that? (excuse me, I am a social work graduate so reaching for more information or clarification is what I am known for! 🙂

Me: Well, I recently graduated from a prestigious graduate program in South Carolina and I always thought a family would come before my career…The First Wives Club told me so. I would go to an undergraduate program and find a husband…but I ended up going to an all-women’s private university and did not find any luck there??

You: Really, tell us more! You sound very exciting!

Me: So, then I decided to play the field a bit and attend a university known for graduating fine athletic men (and women, but they are not my type as I told you previous) only to enroll in a program that is predominately female and most of the men are either married, too old, or gay. Nothing wrong with that, but obviously they are not for me. So, I am here today to tell all of the secrets of what it feels like to be a single woman in the millennial world.

You: It seems like you are really on edge about your current status. What are some other things you would like to share with the group before we begin?

Me: Well, I don’t know what else to share… I have been through relationships but never been in a relationship. My previous potential mate decided to date other females while I was thinking we were on the verge of getting to know one another… then, I was beginning to fall for someone only to find out he did not like me at all or so I thought. You see, it is rough sometimes because someone may very well like me but I do not know what to do or how to reciprocate. Does this group help you…

You: Technically, you have been in relationships but it seems as if the men did not want a relationship from you, but wanted relations like most people your age want. You seem to live a very conservative lifestyle and that scares people away…but anyway, help you what?

Me: You know… learn how to reciprocate emotions to others when you are not sure how to do so? I think I really need assistance in that topic. Hold up a minute…scare people away?

You: Well, I am not sure what you will gain from your very open disclosure, but maybe your experience will be an inspiration to others who are currently single. Being single is not all that bad..

Me: But I am not sure how long I can cope with this…

Photo from debutart artist jaquie boyd